Next, Meghan Trainor shows up to sing her new single "Lips Are Movin'." This song has almost identical chord changes to "All About That Bass" and references "All About That Bass." I genuinely do not see how this qualifies as a "new" song. WHY AM I WATCHING A LOW-ENERGY LYNYRD SKYNYRD CONCERT RIGHT NOW?
Like, seriously, it's not enough that they have to play that same fucking song every time they go outside, but that guy has to play the exact guitar solo that's on the recording? OH MY GOD, JUST TELL US WHO WON. Next, Craig gets to fulfill a lifelong dream by singing "Sweet Home Alabama" with Lynyrd Skynyrd, who appear to be dying of boredom before our very eyes. "I've always wanted an Altima!" Chris gushes. The top four contestants hold an "intimate" Christmas concert for their fans, which is actually just a Nissan commercial. Then Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars perform their new single "Uptown Funk." Bruno Mars has rollers in his hair, which I can only assume is a thing. It's a way better format if you have to have five singers at once. Brianna, DaNica, Jean, Mia, and Sugar-sing a boring-ass song called "Bang Bang" (why are you ALL CHORUS) while vamping around like a '60s girl group. Then, "this season's powerful female vocalists"-i.e. In this Star Wars fantasy, Adam explains, "I'd be like Han Solo and Blake would be like Chewbacca!" "Yeah," Blake quips, "I get the Solo part because nobody wants to be around him." OH, YOU GUYS. But sure.) "He penetrates people with his, um, wisdom," says Gwen. "He's like a floating sphere of positivity." (Not what Yoda is. Then there's a weird segment where they pretend like Pharrell is a hologram from Star Wars, and everyone really commits to the metaphor. Next, Matt McAndrew performed with Fall Out Boy, which … ruled? I mean, I'm not running out to the Fall Out Boy store to buy their complete discography, but it was nice to see a cohesive band with some stage presence and weight. Five is too many singers unless you are doing a straight-up boy band thing. Then Chris Jamison has Luke Wade, Ricky Manning, Taylor Phelan, and Ryan Sill sing "Dedication to My Ex" with him. Then something called a "Hozier" sings its song, "Take Me to Church." All is well. It's probably because she, like, does stuff with her face and body that indicates a personality within. They sing "Keep Your Hands to Yourself," and it is actually pretty charming. Next, Craig got to pick his favorite eliminated contestants to sing a special song with him, so he chooses DaNica, Sugar, and Taylor Brashears.
"I can't believe I'm here," Gwen says, "It went so fast." Agreed, Gwe-Stef!
Presumably because 20-randos-spread-out-all-over-a-giant-arena is a terrible format for vocal performance.
Tonight's show opens with the top 20 contestants all singing a song together in unison on a haunted carousel in a dark space carnivale. (well, after raking in megabucks, obv) is to be kind and supportive, even if, in my opinion, that mission is mishandled and renders the end result almost unwatchably dull. There's something kind of sweet about a show whose entire M.O. I do kind of have a soft spot for the whole dumb thing. I know I've been hard on this show, because it is infuriatingly, aggressively bland and refuses to make any sort of artistic statement whatsoever, to the point where producers seem to have threatened to dock the judges' pay if they say anything resembling a substantive criticism (or coherent sentence), BUT. Here we are! Last night's the night we finally found out the winner of season seven of The Voice.
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